Wikipedia:Peer review/Pat Condell/archive1

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Pat Condell[edit]

Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch • Watch peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I don't know what to do next.

Thanks, A pinhead (talk) 14:48, 17 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Brianboulton comments: Here are a few suggestions. This does not amount to a comprehensive review, as I am unfamiliar with this sort of article, but these points may be helpful in your attempts to improve it.

  • The lead should be expanded so that it becomes a summary of the whole article rather than a brief introduction to it.
  • The prose needs a thorough copyedit. Just a few examples of awkward prose:-
    • "He got in to comedy during the 1980s performing alternative comedy around the City of London, UK."
      • "Got in to" is unencyclopedic - "commenced his career in" would be better.
      • A comma is required after 1980s.
      • "...around the City of London, UK." "Around the" is pretty meaningless as a geographiical description, and London is never referred to as "City of London" unless you mean specifically the financial center. I'd replace the whole phrase with something like "mainly in London."
    • Ungrammatical: "This led for a short while to writing weekly topical poems for Time Out magazine."
      • "which led to a job writing writing weekly topical poems for the Time Out magazine." - better?--A pinhead (talk) 17:53, 27 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "He did comedy sketches..." "He performed comedy sketches".
    • More unencyclopedic prose: "By the mid 1990s he was sick of the late nights and travelling, as he was by then regularly notching up 200 to 300 gigs a year around Britain, and he started writing for others, whilst still doing the occasional live gig." Please note that there are many more examples of what I would call rough prose, hence the suggestion for a complete copyedit.
      • Changed to "During the mid 1990s, Condell was performing over 200 times a year, due to the late nights and regular travelling, he decided to start writing for other comedians whilst still doing the occasional performance." - better?--A pinhead (talk) 22:31, 24 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
    • "Thirty two" should be written numerically
  • Long verbatim quotes such as in paragraph 3 of the "Comedy" section should be avoided. Quote the key phrases, paraphrase the rest.
  • Overlinking. This is particularly evident in the lead. The links on "English", "writer", "1980s", "London", "U.K.", "monologue", "death threats" are all unnecessary - these are all everyday phrases or locations. I don't understand the purpose of the "Internet personality" link, it goes to a list of names unconnected to this article.
    • Partially fixed, more feedback needed. Many of those you mentioned are linked to because they are relevant and many other articles appear to link to them.--A pinhead (talk) 21:12, 24 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]
  • There are citation tags in the lead and the On-line videos section. Refs [5] and [30], to which the tags are added, are to the same web page. I imagine the editor who posted them had problems understanding what information this source is providing. Have you contacted the editor to establish what problem was being highlighted?
  • Some on-line refs are not properly formatted, chiefly by omission of retrieval dates.
    • Fixed, I think. All retrieval dates are now present.--A pinhead (talk) 16:02, 24 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

That is really all can usefully do. I hope this review enables you to work on the article towards positive improvement. Brianboulton (talk) 16:30, 23 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

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