Wikipedia:Peer review/MacBook (2006–2012)/archive1

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MacBook[edit]

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This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because I intend to work on this article to Featured Article status, and wish to know which areas I need to work on.

Thanks, Sk8er5000 (talk) 19:24, 15 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from Ealdgyth (talk · contribs)

  • You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, and my first suggestion would be to get your references into order. A number of your website references lack publisher and/or last access dates, which are the bare minimum needed for WP:V. Books need publisher, author, and page number on top of title. When you've got those mostly straightened out, drop me a note on my talk page and I'll be glad to come back and look at the actual sources themselves, and see how they look in terms of reliability, like I would at FAC. 00:25, 16 March 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This article is straightforward and informative. I have a few concerns about issues related to prose and the Manual of Style. Here are my suggestions:

Section heads

  • The Manual of Style (MoS) advises against repeating the main words of the article title in the section heads. Thus "Polycarbonate MacBooks" needs to be changed to avoid repeating "MacBook". Maybe "Polycarbonate version" would do it. Ditto for the other section heads repeating "MacBook". Section heads and subheads should be unique within a page; therefore duplicating "Industrial design" and "Model specifications" is also a problem. MOS:HEAD explains all.

Lead

  • "...it replaced the iBook G4 and 12 inch..." - Dimensions are generally given in imperial and metric. I like the {{convert}} template for doing the conversions and getting the spacing and abbreviations correct. This particular conversion, including the hyphen missing from the original, would be 12-inch (30 cm).
  • "the midrange model of the MacBook has been the single best-selling laptop of any brand in U.S. retail stores for the past five months" - This confuses the time sequence. Suggestion: "the midrange model of the MacBook was the single best-selling laptop of any brand in U.S. retail stores during the preceding five months".

Industrial design

Quality problems

  • Suggestion: Turn the two-item list into straight prose.
  • "discolored palmrests: where Apple asked affected owners to contact AppleCare" - Grammar. Maybe a full stop after "palmrests" would fix this. The next sentence might say, "In such cases, Apple... ".
  • Wikilink bezel?

Notes

  • "Enabling Wireless-N functionality requires one to purchase wireless-N enabler software from Apple in order to enable the functionality." - Wikipedia doesn't use "one" in this way. Perhaps "requires the purchase of a wireless-N..." would solve the problem.

Aluminum Unibody MacBook

Notes

  • "SSD"s should be spelled out on first use,thus: Solid-state drives (SSD)s.

If you find this review helpful, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 22:27, 20 March 2009 (UTC)[reply]

Comments from TechOutsider (talk · contribs)

No major problems.

  • May want to change name of the section headed "Industrial design of Polycarbonate model"; per WP:MOS.
  • The "Quality problems" section is somewhat anemic. References should be placed at the end of a sentence, after a period, according to the Chicago Manual of Style
  • Put the article in context; maybe you want to explain what a chipset or front side bus is.
    • The above is unsourced; and bezel may need to be explained; I don't know what it exactly is...
  • Didn't see any wikilinks for 802.11n
  • "Minimum operating system required" is quite confusing. So, you have to have the 10.X version of Mac OS X for it to run on a specific MacBook? TechOutsider (talk) 04:09, 28 March 2009 (UTC)TechOutsider[reply]
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