Wikipedia:Peer review/Eshmun Temple/archive2

Eshmun Temple

Previous peer review

This peer review discussion has been closed.
I've listed this article for peer review because it's well developed and written

Thanks, Eli+ 20:18, 20 July 2010 (UTC)

Note to nominator: Due to a shortage of reviewers, peer reviews are being delayed for up to two weeks. It will help to speed things up if you can find time to review one article from the backlog list, which appears on the WP:PR page. Thanks. Brianboulton (talk) 23:43, 24 July 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is most interesting, and it's clear that a lot of work has gone into it. I did a fair bit of proofing, and I'd suggest another proofing later, after any further changes to the text. Here are other suggestions for improvement:

Lead

1. The article title is "Eshmun Temple", but the geobox says "Eshmun temple" with a little "t". This same inconsistency occurs here and there in the main text. All uses should be made consistent with the title except where "temple" is used by itself. In the second paragraph of the lead, "sanctuary" is spelled with a capital "S" once and a small "s" once. Small "s" is correct, I'd say.
2. "therapeutic and lustral purposes" - Should "lustral" be briefly explained?

Eshmun

• "Hellenized names of the Awwali River" - Would it be helpful to say here where the Awwali River begins and ends? Does it flow into the Mediterranean?

Historical background

1. "In the 9th century BCE, the Assyrian king Ashurnasirpal II conquered the Lebanon and its coastal cities." - Is "the Lebanon" a typo? I note that the Lebanon link is to Mount Lebanon, the mountain range, so "the Lebanon" may be exactly what you intend. Many readers may assume, though, that you mean the country. Could the meaning be made a little more clear?
2. "Sennacherib instated Ittobaal on the throne" - "Installed" rather than "instated"?
3. "Sidon was stripped of its territory, which was awarded to Baal I, the loyal king of rival Tyre." - "Loyal" to whom?

Construction

1. "awarded king Eshmunazar II with the Sharon plain - Even though it's possible to follow the link to get more information, would it be helpful to include in the text just where the Sharon plain is in relation to Sidon and how big it is?
2. "As two series of inscriptions on the foundations of the monumental podium attest" - Would it be helpful here to give dimensions? How big was the podium? How big was the temple?
3. "water adduction works from the Awwali River to the "Ydll" source" - Any idea what the "water adduction works" consisted of?

Decline

• "many chapels and temples were later annexed at the base of the podium" - This phrase suggests that the site was large and complex. Can this be quantified? How many acres?

After 1975

• "it is accessible from an exit ramp near Sidon’s northern entrance" - An exit ramp from what highway?

Location

• Rather than repeating the word "location" three times (in the head and two subheads), it might be better to shorten the subheads to "In ancient texts" and "Modern". Another possibility would be to eliminate the subheads entirely and just use the head. The Manual of Style generally advises against many extremely short sections and subsections. This article has quite a few short ones. The other option with short ones is to expand them, but that's not always feasible.

Architecture and description

1. "Spring time in Bustan el-Sheikh, amid the flowers a Babylonian style column base" - The combination of two sentence fragments joined by a comma is a little odd. Suggestion: "Spring flowers bloom near the base of a Babylonian-style column in Bustan el-Sheikh."
2. "the altar of Eshmun is a 4th century 2.15 metres (7.1 ft) long by 2.26 metres (7.4 ft) wide and 2.17 metres (7.1 ft) tall white marble structure." - Such long compound adjectives are not so good. Suggestion: "the altar of Eshmun is a white marble structure dating to the 4th century. It is 2.15 metres (7.1 ft) long by 2.26 metres (7.4 ft) wide and 2.17 metres (7.1 ft) tall." Also, I'd be inclined to round the imperial numbers to the same number of significant figures as the metric numbers; i.e., 2.15 metres (7.05 ft), for example. Or you could round both; i.e., 2.2 metres (7.2 ft), if that seems better. Ditto for other conversions in the article.

Function

1. This section seems out of place. Might it not be better to add it to the "History" section?
2. "Aside from the extramural sanctuary at Bustan" - Should "extramural" be briefly explained?
3. "ritual purifying ablutions were performed in the sanctuary’s sacred basins alimented by running water from the Asclepius River" - "Supplemented" rather than "alimented"?
4. "Fecundating" and "votive" may be words unfamiliar to many encyclopedia readers. Should these words be made more clear or replaced with more common words or phrases?
5. "The healing attributions of Eshmun were met with his divine consort Astarte’s fecundating powers" - "Combined" rather than "met"?

Artifacts and finds

1. I'd consider turning the bulleted list into straight prose. WP:MOS#Bulleted and numbered lists has details.
2. "It is important to note that all of these sculptures represent boys." - I'd omit the judgmental part of this and simply say, "All of these sculptures represent boys."

In popular culture

• This section is so slight, I would recommend merging it with something else, expanding it (if possible), or turning it into a note.

Notes

1. Should each note begin with a capital letter?
2. Should citation 8 be in quotation marks?

References

1. Single pages should be abbreviated "p." rather than "pp." To induce the correct abbreviations in the citation templates, either use "page" for a single page or "pages" for multiple pages.
2. Book citations should include the place of publication as well as the publisher.

Other

1. Overlinking. I would not link words like "Sidon" more than once in the lead and once on first use in the main text. Maurice Dunand should not be redlinked twice. National Museum of Beirut does not need to be linked more than once, I think. Christianity does not need to be linked multiple times. You may find other terms that are overlinked.
2. A more detailed map of Sidon and vicinity would be helpful. It would be nice if it showed the river, for example.
3. The incomplete license information for File:Eshmun.jpg might eventually cause it to be deleted. If you know the url of the defunct Lebanese website, you might be able to link to it via the Internet Archive.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR. That is where I found this one. I don't generally check corrections after my reviews because it's too time-consuming. Please ping me on my talk page if my comments are unclear or if questions arise. Finetooth (talk) 19:01, 2 August 2010 (UTC)

______________________________________________________________________

Lead

1. Name inconsistency issues fixed ,
2. lustral defined in the notes

Eshmun

• Awali river article created, linked to Eshmun temple article. Should i still elaborate this in the article?

Historical background

1. indeed , "the Lebanon" was used intentionally, pertaining to the mountain range that gave the country it's name, i don't think it's misleading. But if you insist i will change it, let me know please.
2. instated is much more appropriate than installed, imho, please check the definition to see what i mean and let me know if it isn't a very current word.
3. Baal was a vassal to Esarhaddon, i added the info.

Construction

1. well about the Sharon plain, i have already included it's location in relation to Sidon in my notes, the problem is that one cannot accurately quantify the area of the plain neither it's borders in ancient times (and i have found no sources too). The Sharon appellation is still used today to describe the the northern half of the coastal plain of Israel (Palestine). I'd rather not mention either this or that "nation" in this particular article for fear of edit wars since both have a more or less limited international recognition. Pro-Israel users will change Palestine for Israel and vice-versa. I can't risk that so let's dodge this issue. I think the current info are enough, and the link is very informative and it does not jeopardize the status of the article.
2. how big was the podium and temple >>> details are given in the architecture and description section and i quote: The podium stands 22 metres (72 ft) high, runs 50 metres (160 ft) into the hillside, and boasts a 70-metre (230 ft) wide façade. The terrace atop of the podium was once covered by a Greco-Persian style marble temple probably built by Ionic artisans around 500 BCE. The marble temple has been reduced to a few remaining stone fragments due to theft . unfortunately, what few remains from the temple does not allow for a quantification of the structure's dimensions. though the shear size of the column bases implies that the temple was quite large, but this is just speculation.
3. the nature of the water adduction works that the inscriptions alluded to is a mere detail; this paragraph aims mainly at elucidating the construction era of the temple. Anyway the sources don't say much.

Decline

1. indeed the site was large and complexe, i can only tell you that the excavated surface area is 72 hectares (that's about 17.9 acres) including later roman structures and byzantine churches + annexe buildings but not one source identifies the area of the temple in antiquity, probably because the site is still open for further excavations.

After 1975

• Exit ramp issue cleared

Location

*you're right

Architecture and description::

1. right again
2. Sentence fixed, but i'd rather not round the numbers for the sake of accuracy

Eli+ 22:23, 3 August 2010 (UTC)