User talk:Kimdo1
| This user is a student editor in UC_Berkeley/Grappling_with_Global_Poverty_(Spring_2018) . |
Welcome![edit]
Hello, Kimdo1, and welcome to Wikipedia! My name is Shalor and I work with the Wiki Education Foundation; I help support students who are editing as part of a class assignment.
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If you have any questions, please don't hesitate to contact me on my talk page. Shalor (Wiki Ed) (talk) 19:28, 2 February 2018 (UTC)
Peer Review (from Ahaana)[edit]
Area: Environmental issues in Hawaii
For the introduction paragraph. I think it would perhaps be better to lead with your second sentence: "The majority of environmental issues affecting Hawaii today are related to pressures from increasing human and animal population and urban expansion both directly on the islands as well as overseas."
I think this is the pull of the article as a whole, and should be what the reader is first drawn into. You bring up the points very well, I just think it may be better to make it the immediate focus of attention.
Really great job hyperlinking relevant articles. You have a ton of information but you do a great job of bringing in the already-existing wiki articles that are relevant.
Wording of this sentence is a bit confusing: "Unique at this site of both microplastic and meso-plastic abundance, geologists found plastic-infused rocks called “plastiglomerates” which are expected to become a part of the fossil record"
For the tourism section, you may want to consider detailing the causes related to tourism which lead to the different resource depletions/waste accumulations that you discuss. Might also be worth briefly touching on what ecotourism is/how it can prevent these issues.
"Invasive species are non-native organisms that are introduced, often by humans, to an ecosystem and causes economic, environmental, and human health harm" — Maybe split this sentence up into 2 just so that it is easier to read.
In the "Invasive Species" section, you may want to expand on the accidental means by which they are introduced as well.
Overall, your tone in this article thus far is very straightforward and well-developed. You have a lot of information and you are bringing forward some really great points!
Sector: Environmental Education
This sentence is a bit confusing and long-winded: "Although the environmental education curriculum has well-established essential subjects in conservation within academia, executive director of the Ocean Conservation Society Charles Sayan in a Yale Environment 360 interview, the university’s Forestry & Environmental Studies digest, discusses his new book The Failure of Environmental Education (And How We Can Fix It)."
This part of a sentence doesn't quite make sense to me. Maybe consider rewording: "Sayan critiques environmental education for not “keeping pace with environmental education”"
Your addition to "Obstacles" is a good point and credible thought to bring up.
“First world” takes on the responsibility of helping developing countries to combat environmental issues produced and prolonged by conditions of poverty poverty" Take out the second poverty.
Maybe want to consider adding hyperlinks to this article as well. You do a great job in your area, and there are plenty of opportunities in you sector to do it also!
Overall, really great job! Your work is really well developed and is coming together nicely!