User:MarshalOctopus/Joke

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Personal page..., so fuck off go away.

The lightbulb joke is an example of an endless-variations joke and has possibly thousands of versions covering every imaginable culture, belief, occupation and special-interest group. Generally the punchline is not complimentary to the group providing the subject of the joke. This is a funny joke to share with others.

The generally acknowledged "original" goes as follows:

Q: How many [insert chosen group here] does it take to change a lightbulb?
A-1: Ten — one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around.


Basic variations[edit]

Even the original is subject to variation, the most common involving more people turning the entire house around.

Once the subject is chosen, variations on the joke tend to achieve their comedic effect by highlighting features of the cultural or social group based on altering five main variables:

  • The quantity (ten, three, two, none, millions) of light bulb changers can be adjusted in unexpected ways in the punchline:
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, but they have to do it again and again, because they always forget what they should say when they're on the ladder.
Q: How many Veritech pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to walk the mecha that lifts the bulb changer to the socket, and one more to provide air cover.
Q: How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. Cheap wine costs less than a bulb.
Q: How many Amazon Indians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They hunt when it's light, and go to bed when it's dark.
Q: How many Anelkas does it take to change a light bulb
A: 3. One to hold the bulb in place and two to make the world revolve around him.
Q: How many apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One ape to screw in the lightbulb, and two to throw feces at each other.
A2: One ape, but a lot of lightbulbs.
Q: How many BBC Prime programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, and then they´ll repeat it again, and again, and again, and again, and again.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: What's a lightbulb?
Q: How many Blues musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb, and another to look at him and say, "Oh yeah".
Q: How many members of the band Chicago does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 25 or 6 to 4
Q: How many CNN reporters it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Any one of them, but they'll keep repeating the story about what happened until something else breaks.
Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We will never find out, but Lee Harvey Oswald didn't do it.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1, but it's really 3, but it's really 1, but it's really 3....
Q: How many Church of England members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 4. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to set up a society to preserve the old one.
Q: How many deck seamen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Nine. One to break the lightbulb, five to hold sweepers, two to take a smoke break, and one to run for sodas.
Q: How many detectives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Who changed it, and why?"
Q: How many Divas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. The Diva holds it and the whole world turns around her.
Q: How many divorced women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the ladder, and one that tries to remember how her ex-husband did it.
Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because their ex-wives aren't there to thank them for doing it.
A2: None, because they never get the house.
Q: How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Thirty. One to hold the bulb, 29 to drink until the room spins faster.
Q: How many dwarves does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. No ladder.
Q: How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. They're quite good at that sort of thing.
Q: How many green technology experts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulbs? Use sunlight!
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to change the light bulb and four more to say they could do it better solo.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We'll fix it in software."
Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hospital cleaners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "Just give it a quick wipe with a damp cloth."
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Five. One screws in the lightbulb, and four discuss how Miles Davis would have done it.
Q: How many journalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They would write about how it should be changed, write about how it is being changed, and then write about how it was not changed properly.
Q: How many Kate Mosses does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Pete Doherty doesn´t supply that kind of thing.
Q: How many macho men does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only because his "woman" is barefoot, naked, pregnant, and chained to the sink in the kitchen.
Q: How many Mafia guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Any one of youz, but not Vinnie - he's stirring the sauce."
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0.9, or possibly 2.53.
Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write.....
Q: How many miners does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "I can't see a thing - Where is it?"
Q: How many penguins does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and then two thousand huddle around it rubbing their fins together.
Q: How many perfectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They changed it before it broke.
Q: How many plumbers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but that's just the estimate.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter how many you have, none of them will ever trust any of the others to hold the ladder steady.
Q: How many Scenesters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You don't know?
Q: How many search engines does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: This page is unavailable.
Q: How many Spanish Inquisitors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold... NO, two! Two. One to....
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 1.0±0.3, 19 times out of 20.
Q: How many stone-age people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Lightbulb? Ugg...
Q: How many student activists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: We have 800 signatures and the rally starts tomorrow.
Q: How many suicide cases does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. They take out the broken bulb and stick their fingers in the socket.
Q: How many teachers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to have a staff meeting about it.
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve. You got a problem with that?
Q: How many ugly people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. We look better when the lights are out.
Q: How many Virginians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to talk about how great the old light bulb was.
Q: How many Warren Commission supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The light bulb should not be changed, because it would interfere with the facts.
Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change the lightbulb and one to not change the lightbulb.

Change[edit]

  • The word change can refer either to replacing a light bulb or making a cultural or structural change
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Borg would rather assimilate the lightbulb than change it.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Feminists can't change anything.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one ... but the light bulb really has to want to change.
Q: How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she changes it into a frog.

Duration[edit]

  • The duration can be introduced as a variable, usually if the answer is "one"
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only 1, but it takes 726 million years to do it.
Q: How many inhabitants of Florida does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't know. They are still counting.
Q: How many R&D engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but afterwards he'll learn that it had already been changed in a more clever way.
Q: How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it'll take him five episodes to do it.
Q: How many undergrads does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to complain about how hard it is (This joke is a set up for the "duration" graduate student joke).
Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it'll take him six years to do it.

Educational[edit]

Q: How many ______ students does it take to change a lightbulb? (where ______ is the name of a university or school.)

Punchlines include:

Cambridge: One, but they have to wait till the weekend when Daddy can come and do it for them.
Durham: Ten - one to change the lightbulb and nine to moan about how they didn't get into Oxbridge
Oxford: "Change?"
London School of Economics: One, and they do it just as well as a Cambridge student!
Leeds: One, but first they have to buy a six-pack and a takeaway curry.
Cardiff: None, they’re all down the Taf. (Student union Pub).

Punchlines for Australian universities:

University of Queensland: One. A student just holds the lightbulb and the world revolves around them.
QUT: Ten. One to change the lightbulb and nine to say they did it as well as UQ.
Griffith: Trick question - Griffith isn't a real university.
USQ: There's a university in Toowoomba?

Punchlines for American Universities:

UC Berkeley (famous for its cutthroat competetiveness): Two. One to do it, and one to knock the ladder out from under him.
Ohio State University freshmen: None. It's a second year course.
Juilliard: A hundred, one to change it and 99 to say they could have done it better.
University of Michigan students: Eleven. One to do it, and ten to brag about it.
Vassar College girls: That's Vassar women, and we don't do housework.
West Point: Three. Two to go for beer and one to call daddy.
Yale: None. New Haven looks better in the dark.
Liberal Arts: None. "Woman's Studies" doesn't teach how to change a lightbulb.
University of California system:
UCLA: Two. 1 to change the bulb, and another to call their friends at USC and tell them how they changed it just as well and for much cheaper.
UC Berkeley: Three. 1 to change the bulb and two to debate about the metaphysical state of the bulb and how its invention has impacted human development.
UC San Diego: Five. 1 to hold the bulb and 4 to start smoking weed until the room spins.
UC Irvine: Eleven. 1 to change the bulb and ten to sit around watching because honestly, what else is there to do at Irvine past 10pm??
UC Riverside: Three. 1 to steal the bulb, another to drive the getaway car, and the last to call all his friends to throw the celebration party on a Tuesday night.
UC Santa Barbara: Seven. 1 to screw the bulb and 6 to screw each other.
UC Davis: Zero. There is no electricity in Davis.
UC Merced: Two. One to hold the bulb while the other calls his friend asking for help in figuring out this "new college thing."
UC Santa Cruz: None. Living in the forest, they see at night by torches and moonlight.
California State University sytem:
CSUB: None, after supporting the sport teams there was no money left to purchase light bulbs.
Washington State University: Three. One to stand on a keg covered in snow, one to throw a snowball at him, one to film it and post it on YouTube.

Punchlines for New Zealand Universities/ Schools:

Kristin School: None - their personal laptops light the room just fine.

Punchlines for Canadian Universities:

University of Toronto: Two. One to change it, and one to crack under the pressure.

National variations[edit]

Q: How many northern Alaskans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only every six months.
Q: How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. "We can out-source the job to someone cheaper".
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One footballer, but he'll deny it and say it was the hand of God that did it.
Q: How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if five girls are watching as they flex their biceps.
Q: How many Austrians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they're still discussing it over coffee and cake.
Q: How many British holiday-makers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because they smashed it when they were drunk, and they're waiting for the hotel to replace it.
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, eh?
Q: How many Chinese does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Problem: One single bulb that needs replacing, and millions of people to do it.
Q: How many Danish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but don´t think you´re anyone special just because you did it.
Q: How many Dutch people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the bulb, and two to hold the bicycle steady.
Q: How many Egyptians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No problem at all. It's easier than building a pyramid.
Q: How many Eskimos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Seal-fat candles are more romantic.
Q: How many French people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if everyone says that they do it the best.
Q: How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he'll complain that he was only taking orders from his superiors.
Q: How many people in India does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. Only one bulb.
Q: How many Irish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to hold the bulb, and two to drink till the room spins.
A2: "Does it go in clockwise or anti-clockwise?"
Q: How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he was paid by a politician to do it.
A2: One, but he/she will refuse to do it unless ten other people agree that it should be done.
Q: How many Japanese people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to do it, and one with a camera to photograph the first one doing it.
Q: How many Korean people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Nobody understands English although everybody learns it 12 years in School
Q: How many Martians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One-and-a-half.
Q: How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he has to find a hill of beans first.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your damn business!
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
Q: How many Russians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but he's still waiting in the queue to buy it.
Q: How many Scottish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but they're still arguing about who should buy the bulb.
Q: How many Sicilians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One. "If you don't change that bulb, your brains will be all over the ceiling."
Q: How many Spanish people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only after a good long sleep in the afternoon.
Q: How many Third World people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. No electricity.
Q: How many Welsh people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, and 40 Welsh miners to sing about how it lights up the valley.
Q: How many African American people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but there would be no power, considering the electricity bill was not paid.

Various ethnic versions[edit]

This generic usability prompted one commentator to create the "all-purpose ethnic version" which reads as follows:

Q: How many members of a (given demographic group) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 'N+1 (where N is a positive whole number)' — one to hold the lightbulb and N to behave in a fashion generally associated with a negative stereotype of that group.

There is no uniformity as to the target of derision: in America it has been the Polish people (in Texas, Aggies – students of Texas A&M University – are often the target), while Poles poke fun at Russians and Americans. In Great Britain it is the Irish who are lampooned (in Wales it is the "Cardis"). The Australians and New Zealanders make fun of each other. The Canadians target their own Newfoundlanders, or "newfies". The jokes are by no means limited to English-speaking countries. For example, the Russians tell the same joke about the Moldovans, Chukchi and Ukrainians. The Ukrainians, in turn, tell it about Russians; the Spanish make fun of the inhabitants of Lepe, while the Colombians make fun of the inhabitants of Nariño, and the rest of the Spanish-speaking population laugh at the Galicians; the Brazilians mock the Portuguese; the Portuguese mock the Brazilians; the Norwegians laugh at their Swedish neighbours, and conversely, the Swedes tell the same joke about Norwegians; the Germans target the East Frisians or the Austrians; The Dutch and French target their Belgian neighbours, the Costa Ricans joke about foreigners from Nicaragua, and the Indians target the Pakistanis. The Finns target everyone, including themselves.[citation needed]

Inner light[edit]

  • The word light can be used to mock or highlight the attitude of the subject towards light or darkness
Q: How many Zen gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None; only the inner light matters.
Q: How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They prefer to sit in the dark and cry.

Revenge[edit]

Light bulb jokes are sometimes used as passive revenge to poke fun at those who have become socially prominent, especially if the possibility of under-handed means exist:

Q: How many Bling designers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Solid-gold diamond-encrusted light bulbs don´t come cheap, Bro.
Q: How many fathers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, and he can do it much better than you ever could.
Q: How many Formula One drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them - if only to make sure that Michael Schumacher doesn't do it first.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. (with mournful Yiddish accent) "Don't worry about it; I'll sit in the dark."
Q: How many senior Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness™ as the standard.
Q: How many mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "Wait until your father gets home, and stop playing with electricity."
Q: How many Presidents and Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One of each. They'll invade the factory, free the workers, say that lightbulbs are weapons of mass destruction, and then deny they sold them to the factory in the first place.
Q: How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's too menial a job for a person of high intellect. Get a working class person to do it.
Q: How many members of The Royal Family does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't ask stupid questions.
Q: How many Wikipedians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on who edited the entry last.

Screw[edit]

Q: How many rich, Beverly Hills housewives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to call the electrician, one to make Martinis, one to sexualize and overanalyze the ideas of screwing and change, and one to sit in a dark corner crying about people who do not have electricity.
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Any number, but it takes forever, and they always screw it up.
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to install it, and two to listen to him brag about the "screwing".
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only two, but God knows how they got in there!
Q: How many nuns does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Absolutely none. Nuns don't understand the "F" word.
Q: How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, the same as it takes anywhere else.
Q: How many sex maniacs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They're too busy screwing to notice.
Q: How many frat boys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. They only screw in a puddle of vomit.
Q: How many Desperate Housewives does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Housewives don't screw in lightbulbs; they screw in SUVs.

Strange[edit]

Other variations exist that achieve their effect through dramatic alteration of the joke paradigm itself, by not having a punch-line, or by simply making it nonsensical.

Q: How many absurdists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to wander naked around the house, and the second to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine parts.
Q: How many Aliens does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One human. They kidnap you after you've done it, and you forget that you ever did it at all.
Q: How many amoebas does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One, two, four, eight, sixteen, thirty-two...
Q: How many auctioneers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "Going once, going twice (bang) it´s gone."
Q: How many Beatles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Paul or Ringo.
Q: How many biography writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "The bulb died on the second of July in a small dark room..."
Q: How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, (because it's the more common variation...)
Q: How many boxers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Have you ever tried to change a lightbulb with boxing gloves on?
Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I don't think our department handles that - can you hold?
Q: How many British people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them, but first they have to boil the brussel sprouts for Christmas, and it's already November.
Q: How many Cluedo players does it change to change a lightbulb?
A: Colonel Mustard. In the dining room. With the ladder.
Q: How many comedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. It's not funny.
A2: Two. One to do it and one to ask how many Californians could do it.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One to bulb light the change.
Q: How many fiction writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "It was late, and the room was dark. Something was wrong..."
Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It´s a man´s job.
A2: That's not funny! (feminists are said to have no sense of humor, you see)
Q: How many stylish Gay men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (Sing songy) The whole Gang! Room Makeover!
Q: How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: No answer.
Q: How many Indie rock kids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (disapproving glare) You mean, you don't know?
Q: How many Jack Russell Terriers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Easy. They can do it while they're bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Q: How many James Bonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sean Connery.
Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride our bikes!
Q: How many Lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, and then she'll rewire the entire house for you.
Q: How many Lojbanists does it take to change a broken light bulb?
A: Two. one to decide what to change it into, and one to figure out what kind of bulb emits broken light.
Q: How many Malkieri does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but it had better not be more than one.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to a previous joke.
Q: How many fans of meta-humour does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: (N+1), one to screw in the bulb and N to act in a self-referencing manner.
Q: How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. A lightbulb is square, and if it's not, it should be.
Q: How many nuclear plant workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because we don´t need them. We glow in the dark...
Q: How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but only if you can find a word to rhyme with lightbulb...
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is they cannot locate the new bulb.
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, but it's actually the same person. They went back in time and met themselves in the room and then the first one sat on the other's shoulders so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all were blown out of existence.
Q: How many Scotts and Amundsens did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both. They held their light bulbs and the world (literally) turned around them - but Amundsen did it first.
Q: How many Socialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The Socialist fills out a form and a govenment agency changes the bulb.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Fish.
Q: One.
A: How many time-travelers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q: How many Titanic captains does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The first, and the last one. "If that lightbulb comes down I'm going down with it."
Q: How many Vietnam veterans did it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: You'll never understand, because you weren't there.
Definitive strange joke:
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to.... d'oh!

Change in Object[edit]

There are many other jokes which still follow the same formula as the light-bulb joke, but replace the light-bulb with another object.

Q: How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it to you.
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to destroy a ring?
A: One, but it will take three three-hour movies.
Q: How many brain surgeons does it take to open a skull?
A: One. "Does anybody have a hammer?

See also[edit]

External links[edit]


  • Category:Humor-related lists|Lightbulb jokes
  • Category:Jokes
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