Talk:Early life of David Lynch/GA1

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Reviewer: Mark Arsten (talk · contribs) 15:30, 19 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

  • Will review, comments to follow sooner or later (probably later). Mark Arsten (talk) 15:30, 19 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Looks good, I just have a few questions about whether more could be said about a few things. And then some copyediting suggestions too.
  • "after a particularly powerful rocket nearly severed this friend's foot they switched their focus to making" Just checking, but do you mean "mostly" instead of "nearly" here?
    It damaged the foot but srugery saved it from being lost; I assumed "nearly" conveyed the sense that it came close to taking it off but didn't. GRAPPLE X 16:52, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • Yeah, I wasn't sure if it hit his foot and almost took the whole thing off, or almost hit his foot, which it would have taken off. Mark Arsten (talk) 17:14, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      Clarified. GRAPPLE X 17:19, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • You mention that "The film grossed $7,000,000 in the United States.", you might want to say as of when that figure is.
    Sure, added. GRAPPLE X 16:52, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • You mention that he "recalls having felt "the evaporation of fear" after leaving Philadelphia", does the source specify any more specifics about what kind of fear left him?
    It was the move from crime-ridden Philadelphia to sunshine LA; I could clarify that some more if you'd like, I had assumed the mention of Philadelphia being troubled would convey that. GRAPPLE X 16:52, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • There's a bit of a break between the two, so it might be good to specify. Mark Arsten (talk) 17:14, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      Clarified. GRAPPLE X 17:19, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • I know Lynch eventually became known as a big coffee drinker, is there anything in the sources available about him beginning to drink it? Also, you mention that he began his interest in TM, can you say more about what/who drew him to it?
    I know coffee (and sugar) are mentioned somewhere in Lynch on Lynch but the two free outlets for it (google books/amazon) are patchy at best in their coverage. I plan on picking it up on the cheap if I can so it'll work its way in there. As for TM, I'll also be looking into Catching the Big Fish (I plan on a separate article for David Lynch and Transcendental Meditation so I was going to pick that up anyway) so there'll be more to say on TM from that. I'll look into what's available at the minute as well. GRAPPLE X 16:52, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Will try to post the rest later today. Mark Arsten (talk) 16:41, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Ok, a few more things, all minor:
  • "Pre-production work for Eraserhead began in 1971. However, the staff at the AFI had underestimated the project's scale" Not sure "However" works here.
    Removed. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • It would be great if you could tie events in his early life to themes in his later films, but, of course, the sources must do it first.
    Hmm. Had given this a broad sweep with the ants-in-pitch quote but I suppose more could work. Would a separate heading be better or would adding material throughout be best? GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    • If you can manage it, a separate section would be nice. Just my opinion though. Mark Arsten (talk) 19:15, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      I'm pretty sure I read something about his dropping out of art school in Boston being tied to his characters usually avoiding confrontation; if there's more to say then I'll start a header, if it's just that then I'll add it when the dropping out occurs in the timeline. GRAPPLE X 19:38, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
      That was all I could see that was directly tied to his post-Eraserhead work, so I added it to the relevant point in the narrative. I also moved the Six Figures Getting Sick bit down to the "Short films" heading to balance things a bit more, as it belongs there just as much as where it was, I felt. GRAPPLE X 02:33, 22 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Nance isn't linked on first occurrence.
    Got it. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Double check MOS:NUMERAL
    Anything in particular you're concerned about? I know I have most numbers (especially ordinals) in words but that's not mandated either way; or have I missed something? GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "that his job as a printer would not stretch to cover future budgetary needs." Might want to explicitly state that he wasn't paid enough.
    Added. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "Lynch was prompted by his mentor Bushnell Keeler to apply for a grant from the American Film Institute to fund another film project. The resulting film, The Grandmother," Might want to note that the grant was pretty selective.
    Added. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • On the same subject "The submission was successful, and Lynch was awarded one of four annual grants from the AFI,[27] totalling $5,000.[21]" Any idea how many people he was up against? Mark Arsten (talk) 18:59, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
    Source doesn't specify, just that there were only four awarded. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Thanks for taking the time to copy-edit and review this one; I had fun writing it and hope it's an interesting read for a fellow fan. GRAPPLE X 19:09, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Yeah, you're welcome, I like these early life article. Mark Arsten (talk) 19:15, 21 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • Ok, looks fine, I'll pass it now. Very informative, good work. Mark Arsten (talk) 03:10, 22 September 2012 (UTC)[reply]
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