Talk:Drake Dunsmore/GA1

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Reviewer: Wizardman (talk · contribs) 05:01, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this article shortly. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 05:01, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

I'll review this tomorrow, but very first thing I noticed is that the first ref has no newspaper listed; add that in. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 05:08, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 06:11, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Here are the issues I found:

  • "He was a 2006 first team All-Class 5A State selection as a senior.[3] He was a 2006 third team All-State selection.[4]" These two sentences could be combined, which would actually make it more clear than it is now that they're separate.
  • Through the article, add a few "Dunsmore" in the place of "He", as it gets repetitive.
  • The 2005 mention should be moved before the 2006 stuff.
  • "He was the 20th rated tight end in the national high school class of 2007 according to ESPN.[6] He was the 15th rated football player in the 2007 class in the state of Kansas according to Rivals.com.[7]" combining these two sentences would help flow.
  • "He declined his invitation to participate in the August 3, 2007, Kansas Shrine Bowl due to his ongoing rehabilitation.[9]" rehabilitation from?
    • Source says: "Lawrence, Smith and Woods all cited early reporting to college camp as their reasons for not playing, while Dunsmore, Murphy, Graves, Ruder and Louisburg's Jeremy Kush all pulled out after coming off injuries. Lawrence, Murphy and Graves were All-Staters for The Capital-Journal last winter."--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 15:17, 14 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
  • "He was one of two Northwester true freshmen" Northwestern
  • "he had a 10-reception 90-yard effort" comma after reception
  • "He had a four-touchdown 112-yard game" comma after touchdown
  • "Northwestern career receiving yards record for tight ends and was one" how many yards?
  • The Pre-draft section reads overly listy and could use a copyedit.
  • "worth $2.15 Million" million

After the issues are fixed, I would suggest trying to find someone to give this a copyedit, as the prose isn't very good. I'll put the article on hold. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 15:35, 12 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]

Looks good now, so I'll pass the article. Wizardman Operation Big Bear 03:29, 15 July 2012 (UTC)[reply]
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