Wikipedia:Peer review/Manon Melis/archive1

Manon Melis

I request a peer review because I would like to nominate this Good Article as a Featured Article Candidate (FAC). Not being a native speaker I always need help on prose. I would appreciate any help to get the article in such a shape that it is likely to pass at FAC.

Thanks, Edwininlondon (talk) 07:46, 7 May 2021 (UTC)

Comments

• I'll do this in chunks, hope that's OK......

Lead and early life

• "Three times she was the Damallsvenskan top scorer" => "She was the Damallsvenskan top scorer three times"
• "At the end of her career, in 2016, she moved to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) in the US" => "Close to the end of her career, in 2016, she moved to the National Women's Soccer League (NWSL) in the US" (as it stands, it says that her career ended and then she moved to the NWSL, which doesn't really make sense)
• "her direct opponents often were" => "her direct opponents were often"
• Back for more later :-) -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 07:53, 14 June 2021 (UTC)

RVVH, Be Quick, Malmo

• "who ended up playing 16 caps" => "who ended up gaining 16 caps"
• "Melis only played a few months for Be Quick" => "Melis only played for Be Quick for a few months"
• "scored the first equaliser goal" - either "scored the first equaliser" or "scored the first equalising goal"
• In places the prose can be a bit choppy eg you have a sentence of just four words: "Marta won the award". It would be better to try and find ways to integrate very short sentences into other sentences so that the prose flows better
• "Malmö again stranded in the quarter-finals" => "Malmö again lost in the quarter-finals"
• "defeated her team by 2–1" => "defeated her team 2–1"
• Back for more later :-) -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 15:55, 14 June 2021 (UTC)

Sky Blue, Linkopings, Malmo, Kopparbergs, Reign

• "Sky Blue FC head coach Jim Gabarra said because" => "Sky Blue FC head coach Jim Gabarra said that because"
• "Daphne Koster, with whom Melis played at the Dutch national team" => "Daphne Koster, with whom Melis played for the Dutch national team"
• "Although Malmö was 2–1 behind" => "Although Malmö were 2–1 behind"
• "linking up for many years at the Netherlands national team" => "linking up for many years for the Netherlands national team"
• "and the game finished 2–4" => "and the game finished 4–2"
• Back for more later :-) -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 18:38, 14 June 2021 (UTC)

International, managerial

• Sherida Spitse not wikilinked when she is mentioned
• "Vivianne Miedema, aged 17, made her debut as a late substitute" - could do with clarifying why this is significant i.e. Miedema has gone on to be one of the all-time greats. At present that context is missing.
• "The outlook worsened when they drew Belgium at home" => "The outlook worsened when they drew with Belgium at home"
• "given Miedema has been a life-long Feyenoord fan" => "given that Miedema has been a life-long Feyenoord fan"
• "that Feyenoord Women will field a team in the Eredivisie Vrouwen for the first time in the 2021–2022 season" => "that Feyenoord Women would field a team in the Eredivisie Vrouwen for the first time in the 2021–22 season"
• Back for more later :-) -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 18:58, 14 June 2021 (UTC)

Style of play, personal

• "stressing she is a centre forward" => "stressing that she is a centre forward"
• "her teammate both on the national team and one season at Göteborg" => "her teammate both on the national team and for one season at Göteborg"
• Refs after the first sentence of Personal life are not in correct numerical order
• Think that's it from me - great work overall! -- ChrisTheDude (talk) 07:41, 15 June 2021 (UTC)

@ChrisTheDude:Thanks ever so much for taking the time and making these suggestions. I think I have done them all. In the end I simply removed the Miedema debut sentence from the article, keeping the focus on Melis. It's not actually that surprising that Melis and Miedema played together. As for the choppy prose, perhaps what I'll do next is request some help from the Guild of Copy Editors. Thanks very much for the help, and I'm glad that you think it is overall ok! Edwininlondon (talk) 22:32, 15 June 2021 (UTC)

Hi Edwininlondon, this PR's last comment was over a month ago. Are you still interested in receiving feedback for this article? Z1720 (talk) 21:49, 23 July 2021 (UTC)

Hi @Z1720:, it would be great if you could have a look. I was planning on putting it up at FAC this week, but even better if you could help improve it before I do so. Thanks very much, much appreciated. Edwininlondon (talk) 08:06, 24 July 2021 (UTC)

@Edwininlondon: not sure if I will have time before your FAC; I was checking to ensure that this PR was not abandoned. When you close this, please ensure that it is removed from Template:FAC peer review sidebar. Z1720 (talk) 14:54, 24 July 2021 (UTC)