User:NB Ungarium

Nathaniel Borat Ungar is a prominent American academic, writer, retirement advisor, and eccentric.

Early Life and Family

Nathaniel Borat Ungar was born in Negro Crossing, Texas to Rabbi Gonzalo and Louise Ungar. When he was a child of just 54 pounds his parents and brother Azamat emigrated from their home in Texas to the third-world settlement of Tel Aviv. It was there that Ungarium first acquired the Alveolar trill that he possesses involuntarily to this day (November 16th 2011). It was in the family's second location in Bet Shemesh, according to Ungarium, "a suburb of Ramallah", that Ungarium acquired a taste for bottled water, though at different points he would denounce the concept as a scam after learning of the Jewish control of the industry, though he later rescinded the comments after he got sand in his teeth from drinking Israeli tap water. He would also acquire a taste for Neviot-water an Israeli brand that distributes water mixed with the urine of Fruit Bats to produce a sort of fruity flavor. When he was 11 his father's second wife, LaShikneeQwah Jones, died of a Haredi-Induced Medical Issue prompting Ungarium to reject Judaism in favor of the Baha'i faith. In 2007 he rejected God in favor of Oprah Winfrey, prompting Baha'i leaders to shun him and expel him from the Sacred Buffet. He later referred referred to the Baha'i leaders as "pacifistic gardeners with severe binge eating disorders" and "mild racists". In 2009 Ungarium was quoted in reference to the Bah'is' faith as "organized Bulemia" and then compared their temples to "a botanical gardens (sic) with a dining room". Following the incident the mayor of Haifa revoked Ungarium's right to pretend that he got along with his Arab neighbors and the Baha'i Temple of Haifa revoked his Vomitorium pass, though they did not revoke his dining pass as all Baha'i followers are encouraged to eat even if they have strayed. The faith's highest service, however, involves the regurgitation of stomach fluid and contents onto beautiful plant-life while declaring universal brotherhood. This service is conducted exclusively in the vomitorium and many unfaithful Baha'i members have historically been excluded, among them, Mordechai Vanunu, Mark Roth, Sammy Davis Jr., Priest Lauderdale and Bill Parcells.

Education and Career

Mr. Ungarium fled Israel at the weight of 204 pounds disguised as a package in the cargo hold of a FedEx cargo jet flying from Tel Aviv to Memphis, Tennessee where he was discovered after two weeks lodged in the plumbing of the aircraft while trying to execute a Frank William Abagnale-style escape. By the time he was discovered he weighed just 183 pounds and had acquired aspects of a Southern Drawl. FedEx later billed Ungarium as a 204 pound pound package costing him thousands of dollars. Ungarium debated the fairness of the charge as he had not been delivered to the address specified on his label and had been denied a request for a Vegetarian meal that FedEx claims it never received. In the end Ungarium paid only a fuel surcharge and the post-9/11 security fee, and a US customs fee, and an immigration fee. The total came to $327, Ungarium celebrates this victory every March 27th. The celebration consists of taking someone to lunch, claiming receipt of an urgent call, taking the call outside and then not returning to the restaurant, leaving the other party to pay for lunch. He claims credit for the coining of the term "March 27th Getaway". After his release Ungarium began to pursue an education. Though "educated" in fanatically religious schools in Israel and the Other Zionist Infested Areas of Palestine, Ungarium completed his bachelor's degree at Excelsior Kollidj 4 Knowllij in just 14 months. He majored in "Habla Ingles". While in "school" Ungarium worked at a nursing home where he was employed to help residents by pre-chewing their food. Ungarium eventually quit when his work began to conflict with his vegetarian ideals. After "graduation" (At Excelsior a ceremonial 'Graduation Email' lasting more than 3 hours is sent) Ungarium started writing and formulating full sentences, leading Excelsior College to highlight his achievements in their brochure. He also found full-time employment as a retirement consultant and used corporate funds to become "more familiar" with clients' retirement options. He also wrote extensively in industry journals which got much of his behavior overlooked. As his writing and side-job as a competitive eater gained traction Ungarium quit and started teaching police chiefs at the University of Phoenix, where he was comparatively well-respected by students and janitorial-staff alike.

Writings

In 1998 Ungarium, writing under his birth name, wrote his least controversial and to-date most widely-read work, The Zionist Myth: Exposing The Real "Israel" And The True Story of the Middle Eastern Real Estate Cartels. It has sold over 700 copies in United States of America and another 200 in Belfast, Ireland though store security footage revealed that Ungarium himself had been the sole purchaser in Ireland. In January of 2007, Amazon.com pledged to cease distribution of the book and others (such as Mein Kampf and Protocols of the Elders of Zion) as part of its campaign to curb the proliferation of hate speech. As a result of the book, Ungarium has been championed as a voice for the Anti-Zionist movement, though Ungarium is not actually an Anti-Zionist. In a 1999 interview, Ungarium was recorded as saying that he is "not an Anti-Zionist, I [N.B. Ungarium] simply believe the state of Israel to be a scam." In 2005, Rick Santorum held a public book burning to promote awareness of Anti-Semitism and Anti-Zionism. In the last decade Ungarium has published 4 more titles, all of them arousing public outcry from Jewish and Evangelical Christian Americans alike. His books include Why I Declined Israel And Chose The ZOG State Instead, The Authoritative History of Competitive Eating And Other Ways Jews Scheme To Make Americans Obese, (this book included over 30 pages on Bob Bernstein and the Happy Meal), 1001 Holocaust Jokes And Other Things That I Hope Family Guy Gets Along To. His last book was a collection of articles and essays from his work at the Dearborn Independent which he had revived following his return to Detroit, entitled Hey, Bernie, I Bet You'll Find This Offensive. In 2010, sworn-enemies Rick Santorum and the LGBT community held a joint ceremony, headed by Vermin Supreme. The ceremony, which was held to combat hatred in America, consisted of a book-burning and speeches exhorting Eric Holder to prosecute and/or deport Mr. Ungarium back to Israel. Shortly thereafter Ungarium held a concert to make beneift most glorious state of Wyoming, where he admitted that Sacha Baron Cohen's Borat was in fact a thinly fictionalized Kazakh version of himself. He is currently working on a biography under the working title, Why I Hate Us: Self-Loathing and Anti-Semitism in Post-Racial America. He has also written many trade articles over the course of his professional career as a retirement advisor, most notably, Why Miami.

Eccentricity

Ungarium is a proud eccentric as opposed to just a wierdo. Ever since he could afford one Ungarium has traveled locally exclusively by Gyrocopter and is known to punch people carrying or using Chewing Gum, which he insists is not a food but rather a masochistic jaw exercise. In 2004 Ungarium paid $200,000 at auction for Yitzhak Rabin's bulletproof vest. After it was delivered, Ungarium bargained former owner, Spencer 'Shmulik' Gakner, down to 100 NIS and a lifetime committment to ride exclusively with Gakner when going to Ben-Gurion Airport and, if necessary, waiting until Gakner was available to take him and to pay night fare even if it was in middle of the day. The agreement also mandates that Ungarium only leave the airport with Gakner's Brother-in-law, "Yossi" or on foot. In 2010 Ungarium made his retirement from Competitive Eating official after carer-ending knee surgery.

Rumored Death

In 2008, following an altercation with a FattyBack Black Woman on the side US Route 76, Papparazzi caught photos of Ungarium lying sprawled out on the side of the roadway, bleeding from his left earlobe, though they were following Jon Corzine to a car wash so they couldn't stop to get a closer look. Rumors surfaced that the Nigrette, Vinagret Johnson, had killed Ungarium sparking tensions and violence between African-American and Anti-Zionist groups, adversaries that had not clashed since the Crown Heights riots years before. In an interview, two weeks after the incident Ungarium admitted to losing the fight after his right hand was trapped under a love-handle and then further admitted to "playing dead" to avoid further beating.